i hate this post

So I've had pretty bad anxiety lately. Its the kind that will cripple me with dizziness, stomach pains, sweats and grinding teeth. I don't know how to control it. 

I've realized what is causing it and its self doubt and insecurities usually with sharing things that im passionate about and love. The whole "what if everyone thinks its god-awful and i suck and i am totally unaware of it and think im super talented...?" is on repeat in my brain and i start obsessing over and over the worst case scenario. I get scared. Its so ridiculous and i feel so stupid for feeling that way. 

I used to have a bad case of the anxiety attacks a few years back but learned how to control my thoughts and would pray when i could feel myself starting to go there but its like I've forgotten how to. I don't know where my confidence went. I feel like im not great at anything and im surrounded by soooo many of my friends who are all talented, gifted and beautiful. That can be intimidating at times. Sometimes i get into the 'why even bother' mind set and then i just start staying home and being quiet all the time. So lame, right? When did i get so freaking sensitive??

My last anxiety episode was on Thursday morning right before work. My mind got started and i couldn't even finish getting ready for work so i went to lay down for a minute to calm myself down and Geoff asked me what was wrong. When i told him what i was thinking he talked me through it and told me how crazy my thoughts were without making me feel crazy. I felt a lot better, got through it and went on to do what i was afraid to do. Hes been helping me with keeping my thoughts in check with reality and that's been the most helpful thing. Sometimes when you get so deep into your own thought bubble its hard to step outside of it and give yourself a reality check. 

 

I cant be scared of sharing me. I know i will get rejected sometimes and it wont be the end of my the world.

hair whips!!!

Look what i got to be apart of!


I just met Mary and Scott last week from the Shade Tree Film's workshop and can i just say how freaking cool they are?! Love them already!
Everyone i met at the workshop was super cool and the dudes of Shade Tree are truly some of the most humble, passionate and easy going guys youll ever meet.
On Saturday i got to be a second shooter doing video for Mary and Scott and i loved it! So cool to get some hands on, in the field training. Hope i was up to floataway par!

Test Taker

So after hunting down orange color themed bridal showers for Kristina's next weekend i stumbled upon a color test. Never heard of it before but it looked interesting. Not sure how accurate it is. You tell me...

*red = my thoughts

Testcolor : THE personality color test

Test color is the result of original research conducted and validated by a team of clinical psychologists, psychoanalysts and mathematicians. Test color can generate over 50 million different answers, each one written by an artificial intelligence engine for every test

The Color Test was done 4160709 times, thank you for your confidence.

Result of your test : Your results present a correlation ratio with our model superior to 96 % . ( In a general way, a result can be taken into account if this ratio is superior to 30 %.)

Your Profile :

You are 45 % extrovert and 55 % introvert. (not surprised. this has changed a lot from  90%-10% since high school) Independently of any order of importance : You are imaginative and creative, you have always new ideas, and you know how to apply them. (until something bright colored catches your eye) You are also strong-willed and active, your actions are determined by your own will, by the goals you settled for yourself, and by your need to act and to move forward. Finally you are able to have an in-depth thinking, you think before acting, and you know how to communicate your knowledge. (unless its someone you look up to or think is cooler than you that's when you start blending words together like awesomeing; awesome + amazing)

Your understanding of your environment : At first, at 36%, you are centered on your thoughts and your actions are determined by your knowledge and your experience. (ie. mistakes) Then, at a ratio of 35%, you are attached to moral values and feelings, and you have an emotional relation with the environment. (wwjd) Finally, at 27%, you are focused on the facts and on the reality, and your decisions are determined by your perception of facts. (keeping it real)

How you assert yourself : In your relations with others, your point of view and your decision-making are motivated by your inner conviction at 59%. Dialogue and exchange of views with others are taken into account at 40%. Also, your inspiration and your creativity, your artistic or spiritual impulse have an influence of 62%. Also your family and personal ties interfere at 37%. Finally, your actions are determined by your will and your personal goals at a ratio of 63%. In 36% of the cases you take into account your own sensibility and your partner’s.

The qualities that characterize your personality at this time :

Your imagination at 23%		you are a creative person, with always new ideas, and you know how to apply them.

Your creativity at 21 %		you are creative, you know how to see beauty, you are intuitive and your inspiration comes from the inside.  (im good at finding treasures at thrift stores)

Your intellectual performance at 21 %		You are intellectual and intelligent, you wonder and you inquire before taking any action and setting your values.  (its true. i google everything!)

Your energy at 17 %		you are strong-willed and active, your actions are determined by your own will, by the goals you settled to yourself, and by your need to act and move ahead. (i think what its saying in so many words is that i tend to obsess)

Your dynamism at 16 %		you are dynamic and active, you are determined in your actions, you know how to communicate your ideals and your energy, and thus, you know how to boost people.

Finally, you are thoughtful and deep, you think before getting into action and you know how to communicate your knowledge, you are open and good communicator, you know how to attract people and engage them.  (is anybody still reading this?)

The Morris Babes

Thankfully Geoff and i brought our camera on labor day to jonathan's chicken and waffle night because we got to practice on the cutest kiddies. Nich & Ginny's triplets: Liam, Bella, Aidan and then Jacob & Teresa's daughter Delaney. The dads, Nich and Jacobs are twins themselves too. They seriously have the most easy going temper kids and they are super cute to boot! 
Trying to keep focus on moving targets was harder than we thought and this was when we were first learning the manual settings so forgive the not so hot quality.
Delaney is in the pink Star Wars shirt, Liam and Aidan are in it too but im not sure which is which... Bella was surrounded by all the ladies so we didnt get any video of her.
Hanging out with my friend's kids keeps my baby fever at bay.

happy 400th post!

Ive was never one to keep a diary or journal hidden under my mattress as a girl but maybe thats because I was(am) too lazy to write and by the second sentence my handwriting is so bad you'd think i was schizophrenic. Sorry this year hasnt had as many posts as years in the past but as you can tell, its been a big one.
The whole point of this blog is for me to share funny stuff, lighthearted-ness, and me with others. Ive tried to keep no complaints at just that. A place of no whining and complaining. This world has enough bad news, whiners and complainers you don't need someone like me chiming in. And in all honesty, i cant think of anyone who'd want to read me whine anyways haha.

too many more and thanks for reading.

Ford's 1st Birthday

Baby Ford's 1st Birthday on Vimeo.

filmed and edited by geoff.
this video was his crash course in final cut and i think he did an amazing job.

92 years young

This is my Great Grandma Waters (now Dailey, but shes always grandma waters to me). Yesterday she turned 92! Just thinking of what all shes seen in her lifetime is a bit insane. Everything that's changed since 1918... cars, buildings, and toilets, oh my! Its got to be a little bit heartbreaking too. Shes out lived her husbands, children and friends. She is my mom's mom's mom. She may just out live us all.

Great Grandma Waters-Dailey

This is my mom's dad, my "Papa". He is the reason i have everything i have today. My wonderful mom, job, house. He grew up in Massachusetts and met my grandma from his sister. They went on a date once and they didnt like each other. Then years later they ran into each other again and fell in love. He served in the Korean War, never graduated from high school and was an extremely successful businessman. He told each of us grand kids we were his favorite and always encouraged us to grow up and be whatever we wanted. He loved telling stories about his childhood and loved his wife and family. Hes a perfect example of what a man and a provider should be. He always did everything he could for us to prosper.
Hes also in the final stages of Alzheimer's. He got it really young and i was only about 17 so hes never been able to see any of us grand kids succeed or even get married. Its really hard for me to see him like this so i really dont visit him anymore. There's no recognition in his eyes when he sees me and he doesnt talk anymore. My great grandma, who lives with him, talks to him like hes still the same old "Jimmy" and its pretty funny and cute and sad all at the same time. I think this might have been the first time geoffs seen him too. Im really sad that my kids will never get to know him and my grandma but thats life i guess.
I went over to his house last week to drop off some meds and take a picture of my ggma and i was only able to get 2 pictures of him. It was really weird. After the second picture he closed eyes and turned his head away. It was like he knew i was taking his picture and he didnt want me to. The doctors all say that hes unaware of everything going on and he used to communicate through blinking but he doesnt do that anymore. It was really crazy and i kind of just stood there for a second and thought he might actually still be in there. As soon as i packed the camera away he opening his eyes again.

Papa

ur doin it wrong

How have people been getting this so wrong for so long? How are there people like the Phelps family, people wanting to burn the Qur'an, and others who claim to be Christians yet persecute people who don't believe what they believe? How is that anything like what Christ would do?!

Im sorry but i thought Christians are supposed to strive to be like Him. Jesus NEVER did this to anyone he came across. He didn't lecture them, talk down or guilt them. HE DIDN'T CONDEMN THEM. He forgave them and loved them. Christ's death made a new covenant making the old one (the one God gave Moses) obsolete. Why do people still want to judge, condemn and persecute others based on the laws of the old covenant?

And please, don't think for one second that those people are doing all this persecuting "in love" because its not. If you believe that then you should really (re)read what the Bible says about love. God is love and He is not in any of those acts that they are showing. Its all in fear. And fear is not of God.
GOD LOVES THEM. He loves them, He loves those you don't love and yet He still loves us! And Newsflash: You are not sinless. I am not sinless. Sin is a sin. 

And what do these people who are protesting and screaming from their soap box really think is going to happen? Like some gay person is going to be like, "oh, since you outlawed us to get married i guess i just wont be gay anymore" or "since you've really showed me how loving and accepting your god is i should become just like you and tear others down". Nobody is going to come to know God if you're misrepresenting Him. Show them who He is with your love and compassion! They will notice Him in you and want to be apart of it. want to know it. they'll want to know Him.

Ive never been so embarrassed, horrified and stirred up inside as much as ive been lately seeing people calling themselves Christians all while calling names, attacking and belittling others in the name of God. Its disgusting! Its ugly! And its not Godly or Christ like at all.

I think its time that all those people started wearing their WWJD bracelets again that way they can show their NOTW-ness and maybe take a second thought to the action they are about to take when coming into to conflict with someone who disagrees with their beliefs. 

Be Christ like. Be love.

109 days till Christmas

Besides sitting at my desk at work im loving today.
The weather outside, that feel of the day, and the fact that its already Tuesday! AND that its already September too! what the hell, time? can you please not fly by so extremely fast. im having to stand back all the time to try and soak my life in before the moments pass me by without appreciation.
I keep reminding myself that today is not Monday and i get really happy. But then i remember that that means im behind on my daily tasks since i have to cram both Monday and Tuesday's together. And although its not freezing outside, its not hot, sunny or sweltering out either! It was so dark out this morning i seriously though that i had missed the time change (again) and i didn't want to leave the bed. Well, Geoff still being in bed made it harder to leave too.
Can i please just fast forward to it being cold, rainy, cuddling on the couch, hot chocolate, socks, flannel blankets and movies. 
Is it weird that im already so looking forward to thanksgiving (feast) and Christmas?