8.12.2009

when "IF" turns into "when"

ever since ever i've never really had that desire to be a mom. which is weird being a little girl and not wanting to babysit or hold babies and is really weird being a woman and not wanting to really be a mom. i think a lot attributed to not growing up around any babies or really little kids and every time i did try to hold or watch them it always turned into both of us crying.
but a few years ago i realized my lack of desire was more of a fear. it was the fear of actually birthing something.
now this next part is going to sound selfish but.... besides being freaked out by labor i also did not want my body to be wreck by giving birth and my husband not find me attractive anymore.
see i had actually heard my friends husband make such terrible comments about how her body isn't the same and she will never looks as good again. and to top it off i guess he saw her push the baby out. yeahh.... what he said about down there you can imagine. so ya, that basically scared the shit out of me. and i know what some of you are thinking, that guy is a jerk for saying that stuff about his wife, but he was being honest. and it really did rock my world. i had heard men say how sexy their woman was pregnant with their child and stuff like that. naturally i kinda felt i was fed some fairytale b.s. again.

years later after seeing a few friends go through adopting kids (one was "open adoption" and the other was "foster to adopt". they both has a fairly easy process from some of the stories ive been told) i knew in my heart that is where i will get my kid from. i just felt it. i mean why bring another child into the world when there are so many already without moms & dads and homes and love? i later felt that confirmed by God and so i broke the news to my mom that i had no plans to give her any grand kids of blood relation. she said she will love them just the same and was just relieved to hear that i would actually be open to having kids someday.

there were even a couple of guys who i was sorta talking to (like that) that said they would never adopt. that they needed a brood of their own flesh and blood. and they told me it was honorable that i wanted to adopt. yes, because loving another human being is honorable.
i later stopped taking offense to comments like this and realized its just not every one's cup of tea.

im not sure what it really is; confidence in being a woman, God working on my heart, maturing, and/or geoff being the amazing patient man he is, but...

...i would totally be up for having one (1). someday far far FAR away.

i really do contribute a lot of it to geoff. no person has ever made me feel more loved and beautiful than he does. i wouldn't be afraid or ashamed of my body after giving birth. plus i find him way sexy and who wouldn't want to procreate with this! amiright? plus, the world could use another one of him around.

also, after reading this guy's blog about his wife's pregnancy and her labor it really inspired me and mixed up some emotions. ladies, i encourage you to click that link and read their labor story. guys, its written by the man and its all in his perspective so you might find it really interesting as well.

well, yeah, i ask to hold babies now and will even point out their cuteness to friends. it sounds stupid, i know. but ask brenda and she can tell you the day i pointed out a cute baby in another car we both gave each other that "what the f*** did you just say?" look.


and im done being really open and over sharing now. hope i didn't bore you. or gross you out. just wanted to share a small part of my heart that God has seriously done an overhaul on.

1 comment:

Debi said...

I liked this.







Well at least up until the point you started talking about pro-creating with geoff. haha.

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